Let me just throw this out there; I like hypotheticals, a lot. Sure, in hindsight they are a complete waste of time, but usually so is two-thirds of my day. And at least a quarter of my day is spent sleeping so you do the math on how much productive time I pump out per day. Anyways, I think hypotheticals are great for numerous reasons. Reason A, they are a great conversation starter in cases where people don't know each other that well because of their often ridiculous and lighthearted nature. Reason B, I love sports and the two go together like Pamela Anderson and red one-pieces. For example, (and this one has been fiercely argued over between some of my good friends) Could you ever score a single point against Kobe Bryant in one-on-one if he is trying his hardest? (For my particular friend I said no.) The last reason is how sawesome (super awesome) and over-the-top they can get over a few drinks, which is why I'm beering you a hypothetical.
Hypothetical #1
If the five shortest and five tallest NBA players since 1990 played against each other while in their prime, who would win. Team Short: Mugsy Bogues (5'3"), Earl Boykins (5'5"), Spud Webb (5'7"), Nate Robinson (5'9"), and player-coach Avery Johnson (5'9"). I found quite a few at 5'9" but I chose these two for Nate's dunking ability and Avery's unintentional-humor factor. Team Tall: at point guard Yao Ming (7'6"), Chuck Nevitt (7'5"), Shawn Bradley (7'6"), Gheorghe Muresan (7'7"), and Manute Bol (7'7"). Before I get into why I think a certain team will win, here's a couple videos to help explain myself better. (might want to turn the volume down if at you are at work)
At first I was only going to post the Yao video, but I know half of my eight readers (friends), are Rockets fan who take jabs at Yao Ming personally, whereas Mavs fans like myself think jabs at Shawn Bradley are funny too. Obviously I would go with the short squad, and for various reasons that include: the three point line, the stamina factor, the better overall talent on Team Short, and personal bias, since I measure the same as Spud. If you disagree I'd like to hear why. If you're also short and know or work with someone very tall, remember, there's nothing wrong with talking hypotheticals over some cold brew. Likewise if you're tall and work with someone very short.
One simple reason why Tiger's return is the biggest in sports, ever. He IS golf. Also, he will arguably go down as the greatest golfer ever, if he isn't already considered to be. A few notable returns: Lemieux's return to hockey and the Penguins in 2000 after being diagnosed with Hodgkin's in '93 and being inducted into the Hall of Fame in '97, Lance Armstrong's return to Cycling in '98 after a stint with cancer, and Jordan's return to the Bulls in '95. (Falco's return to football in The Replacements was huge, but also fictional.) Sure Lemieux's return was much more triumphant in terms of overcoming cancer and that he was gone for 7 years, but he didn't return in his prime and there were already larger superstars established in 2000. Armstrong's was also infinitely triumphant after a doctor admitted later that he thought Armstrong only had a 1% chance of surviving, but in terms of a bigger return, he wasn't a big enough deal before he returned.
MJ's return give's Tiger's a very good fight as the biggest to date. His first game back during the '94-'95 season against the Pacers had the highest TV ratings for a regular season NBA game. Without his return there's NoneChance the Bulls complete a second 3-peat in the span of 8 years, not to mention the NBA's best single season record ever, 72-10. And if he never leaves to pursue his "childhoood dream of a career in baseball" (get help for his gambling problem), the Houston Rockets may never win a championship, and when I say "may never", I mean "don't ever". Lastly, without his return, MJ is probably not considered the greatest basketball and maybe greatest athlete ever. So how is Tiger's return better? Good question.
First, Tiger doesn't play a team sport, every win and championship was solely because of him. Second, basketball wasn't quite the international sport it is today at the time of MJ's return, but golf is right now. Third, as Jennifer Aniston made the average male fan want to watch Friends more, so did MJ with the NBA and it's average fans, however they both had plenty to offer to their fans with or with Aniston and MJ, they just made it better. However, Tiger Woods is to golf what a beautiful and popular actress going topless is to a bad movie, they're the only reason a non-enthusiast will watch. If you still don't agree, put yourself in 1995 and ask yourself who won the last NBA title since Jordan left. Now ask yourself who won the last major (golf's equivalents) since Tiger won the U.S. Open last year. Obviously the Houston Rockets won it in '94, and the two majors that have been played (Did you even know there were two that had been played?) were both won by Padraig Harrington, which of course you also knew. Sidenote, as an average fan of golf, I didn't know it until I looked it up. Case closed.
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You're sitting on a gold mine Trebek.
After seeing this how can you not feel that giant soccer balls need to be kicked at people more often? The gold mine, a World Cup soccer promotion. Just have seven fans, six players and one goalie, from each team represented in the World Cup to play each other before the teams come out for the real games. All they need is a smaller field (to ensure more flying bodies and whiplashes like the one in the video) and larger goals. The goal can just be two poles set up far from each other as a crossbar would be unnecessary and hindering. I can see the highlight on SportsCenter right now, a Brazilian fan rockets the elephantiasis soccer ball directly at the French fan goalkeeper, who than appears to briefly morph into Wile E. Coyote getting hit by an eighteen wheeler as he sticks to the giant ball clearing the goal line. I'm sold.
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Scroll to 1:45 of this video, that's all that need be said. (I apologize for linking it instead of embedding it, it wasn't by choice.)
...there I was, no job, no girlfriend, not famous, not an integral part of the greater-good. The beginning, was today. Many of the simple-minded type might be quick to assume that a young twenties male as myself with the aforementioned status would be depressed or down on life. But as strong-minded folks, you and I both know that is far from the truth. And I hope that if you (male or female) and I are currently in the same boat, you are not depressed or down on life. But if you are, it's a good thing you found this blog and a better thing that you've read this far, which are the first steps in improving your GDH (Gross Domestic Happiness). Next step, keep reading. If you are rowing alongside me on the "Loving Life" boat, not to be mistaken with "The Love Boat", you can keep reading too.
This blog was started with the intentions of giving you, however you regretfully got here, a chuckle, a smile, a little time to waste at a job you may or may not hate, and ingenious (under-qualified is an overstatement) insight to the sports, and occasionally entertainment, worlds. Also, I will most likely make minor adjustments to the format as I learn more about blogger. If this scares you, my comforting embrace is waiting and ready.
Let's get this road on the show...
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I occasionally have a theory or three about certain phenomena, but so does just about everyone else. In fact, most other people have well qualified theories, ones that use much research and scientific explanation to back them up. Others have sources that have given them information to help give credibility to their theories. Side note, any time a professional journalist uses "his sources" as a their only grounds behind a headlining rumor-starting article, excluding this one (and by excluding I mean especially), it makes me feel a lot more optimistic about my life goal of doing as little as possible to be successful. After taking into consideration that most theories have some kind of explanation or credibility behind them and mine only have me, I've decided to call my theories, meories.
Meory #1
Extreme blunders at the collegiate and professional sports levels don't happen naturally. You won't see a New Orleans' Coyote Ugly bartender fall off the bar during Mardi Gras so I have a meory why fine-tuned athletes who perform their tasks like well-oiled machines have given us the following moments of greatness. Some might say mental lapse, or freak accident. I say neither. The only reasonable explanation for the strong-minded like you and I is there was a personal wager with a close teammate, friend, or relative to act out this blunder during an actual game. I assume the wager's have gone down no differently than the wager in Billy Madison where he is double-dog-dared to grab Veronica Vaughn's breast. (This is also my meory behind Christian Bale's blow up on set, Batman is only second to Jesus when it comes to screwing up.) If you have a better theory behind these not so professional feats, let me here it.
Dan Majerle Travel
Julian Wright Dunk Attempt
Dan Orlovsky Safety
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You're sitting on a gold mine Trebek.
Except, I'm Sean Connery (I wish) and Brian Austin Green is Alex Trebek (Trebek wishes). The gold mine, a how-to book about getting beautiful girls that are way out of your league. I'm not talking about Tiffany Amber Thiessen or Vanessa Marcil, whom he dated and married, respectively. He was at his popularity peak when he B.A.G.ged those two. (two birds with one stone, bagged is my new term for a guy who gets a girl way out of his league) I'm talking about Megan Fox, no need to link her because you, guy or girl, have already fantasized about her. She is on the rise with Transformers 2 coming out and possibly being the next Lara Croft in the new Tomb Raider series. BAG on the other hand, peaked with a television series 10 years ago. Sure she'd dump him faster than the Texas Rangers dump a quality pitching prospect, but at least he'd make a fortune off of it. There's no question she'll leave him once she lands the leading role in a box office hit, just like Leach will leave Tech as soon as the right offer is on the table. He's a stepping stone to the big time. Furthermore, I wouldn't be suprised if she starts dating Brad Pitt the moment she gets signed on as Lara Croft. It makes sense for BP for two reasons. (did I mention I am also qualified to call actors and actresses by their initials because of my acting experience as a christmas tree in a fourth grade play?) One, his life span of good looks will out last Angelina's, think Paul Newman and Elizabeth Taylor. Second, he could than excuse all his major break ups as an incurable obsession he has to date Lara Croft. You know what, any chance to post a link of Megan Fox (always work-safe) should not be passed up, my apologies. (I guess this screw up puts me somewhere behind Jesus and Batman)
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Song of the Post
For future reference, it could be any genre, and will most likely not be played on the radio 50 times a day. If you like it great, if you don't, let's just be friends. Also, it will usually be in form of myspace, purevolume, or youtube. (streaming music site suggestions are appreciated)
Minus the Bear - Pachuca Sunrise (Acoustic)
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The chances this blog gets me a full-time job, a girlfriend, makes me famous, or makes me an integral part of the greater-good...
